Resident Evil: SUPER SEXY FUN EDITION
by Blue Mage Quartet
Summary: In which everyone has sex with everyone else and please approach with a sense of humor and/or disgust and if you take it seriously then you've missed the point. for jillian on tumblr.


**Ravishingly Ridiculous Billy and Leon**

Leon slowly proceeded down the hallways of the zombie festooned Raccoon Police Department and wondered if all first day recruits had to deal with this. His Beretta was trained in front of him in a shooter's stance as he rounded one of the building's many many many corridors. He heard the soft sound of footsteps and a light jingling noise.

"Claire? …Ada?" His voice rose in level as he proceeded.

However what rounded the corner was anything but.

IT WAS BILLY COEN, RAW SEXUAL MAGNETISM GIVEN HUMAN FORM.

"o-oh my," Leon's hand unconsciously rose to his mouth in pure awe.

"Sup?" Billy Coen grunted in his direction in a very manly and gruff manner.

Leon's face was suddenly fire engine red as he beheld this chiseled specimen of deliciousness and the tattoo running down his arm. INSTANT AROUSAL and the handcuff certainly helped matters.

"I will leave my handcuff on," Billy's gaze was suddenly very seme and his voice was grrowwlyyyyy.

Despite little to no pretext or the two even meeting in the games, thus began their BLAZING HOT lovefest.

Leon was lifting up Billy's shirt to reveal a well toned and very tasty six pack. Billy's arms are entwined in his hair when he suddenly speaks.

"Who were those chicks you were asking about? Claire? Ada?"

Leon looked into Billy's eyes HUNGRILY AND FILLED WITH LUST.

"Ada who?"

And so began their sexy tryst and Rebecca squealed and started taking pictures.

* * *

><p><strong>Special Carlos and Wesker segment by come-out-swinging!<strong>

"Carlos was almost out of the city, away from the horrors of Umbrella. He was too excited to finally escape that he didn't notice the tall man in sunglasses. Predictably, they collided.

'Sorry sir, I didn't mean to run into you, I was just trying to get away from the monsters,' Carlos stuttered, picking himself up off the ground and brushing dirt off of his cuts. The strange man smirked.

'I'll show you a monster.'

And then he dropped his pants."

* * *

><p><strong>Rockband!Billy and Steve<strong>

Billy's muscular fingers plucked at the strings of his bass hard and fast, his eyes roaming over to the jeans clad ass of_ his (ooh you see that emphasis with italics yeah Steve is BILLYS' bitches)_ red haired vocalist as they finished the last song in their set list and he started thinking of _other _things he could do hard and fast, i.e. Steve.

Steve brushed the sweaty bangs out of his forehead and yelled out in gratitude as the crowd started to mill out of the arena. Billy's mind flashed back to how Steve's mouth had almost engulfed the microphone and thought of _other_ things his mouth could engulf.

It hadn't even been five seconds before Billy had gestured for Steve to come on over there with his sexy ass. His eyes devoured every delectable inch of the young man's (not yet 18 oh my) booty as he started to plant kisses on his neck.

"I-I thought you were seeing that groupie chick," Steve was able to gasp as Billy's hands ran the track of his chest. Short, button nose, bright blue eyes? "Rebecca?"

Billy shoved Steve up against the drum set, working Steve's jacket off in a hurry. "She likes it when I tell her stories of what we've done." His smirk was super cocky and SEXY.

They were about to remove the final articles of their clothing before they were interrupted by a disapproving cough. They turned around to see their third band mate and drummer Wesker with a disapproving expression on his frowning face, arms folded across chest.

Well, they assumed his face was disapproving. The platinum blonde always wore his sunglasses so they couldn't really tell how his eyes looked.

"How many times have I told you no intercourse against or around the equipment?"

* * *

><p><strong>Macho Manly Man Sex Party<strong>

Albert Wesker was understandably naked in the African heat, his sunglasses perched on his nose as crossed his arms over his chest all broody and manly like.

"OOH WESKER OOH" Chris said, hands on temple in a pose that suggested daintiness and a sudden case of the vapors.

Wesker than glared at Chris with eyes FULL OF LUST and Chris' clothes instantly became shredded to expose AN ADONIS PHYSIQUE CARVED FROM PURE MARBLE.

"I will keep my tentacles on," Albert murred at his now clothes less lover as they toppled to the dirt.

Jill squealed and started taking pictures with her Kodak.

Over in the corner Leon was wondering where the fuck he was now when Carlos suddenly appeared in his path even though he has been gone since Resident Evil 3!

"ALL THE BISHONEN SLENDER AGENTS AND BY AGENTS I MEAN YOU LOVE MY ACCENT."

Leon was instantly reminded of Luis Lewis even though Carlos was ostensibly Brazilian and rolled his R's in a different way. Leon somehow instantaneously disrobed and pounced on this spicy Latin lover and they made hot sexings.

Billy was making out in a hot and heavy manner with his weepy uke Steve who was obviously not manly shut up ew obviously the bottoms are girly. Steve's Leo Dicaprio hair was shiny with sweat as he drooled over Billy's chiseled physique and goatee that was not there before.

Billy then slapped Steve's butt and started to do the nasty with him. Oh god you want details gross gross I'm not talking about their penises yuck.

Over in the corner opposite of Leon and his Louis proxy, HUNK and Krauser were making out even though they had never met before and it was sweaty and manly and grunty and other delicious adjectives.

* * *

><p><strong>Sapphic Seductive Lesbian Lover Party<strong>

Rebecca Chambers is holding her gun at ease as she travels through the shadowy alleyways of Africa. She would certainly hate for anyone to leap out of the shadows at her! (Unless it was Billy.)

She is dressed in her very tight and revealing leather outfit which makes no sense to be wearing in Africa because eww sweat.

"DAT EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD ASS."

Rebecca yelps as she turns around her 18-yet-should-be-28 years old body in surprise at the coming assailant.

IT WAS JILL, who was looking mighty fine and blonde and unzipped in her delicious Battlesuit that hugged her curves in all the right places because she had BUNS OF STEEL. She is licking her lips the way a starving person does before devouring a hamburger.

"J-jill," Rebecca is suddenly very moe and blushuu, her voice incredibly demure and soft spoken. "I have never been with an older woman before…" Or a woman at all, but Jill was suddenly incredibly HAWT and she had tingly feelings for her in her nether regions.

Jill then pounces on Rebecca all fierce and SEXY LIKE though in all likelihood they've probably only ever seen each other on the helicopter leaving the Arklay Mansion in 1998. They ground all up on each other and were very moist.

Chris squealed and started taking pictures for his scrapbook.

Claire was also wondering where the fuck she was, not exactly remembering volunteering for a TerraSave initiative in Africa.

BUT SUDDENLY ADA APPEARED.

Her leg was showing all sexy like with that slit in her qipao_ shut up don't complain at my adjectives yuri isn't as pure and wonderful as LOVE BETWEEN MEN._ Claire suddenly found herself drooling. Ada made a very suggestive come hither gesture and her eyes were all "le bedroom".

"I have never been more aroused," Claire whispers in Awe of the exotic Asian beauty and then they make out in a sloppy way that was only befitting dirty girls.

Boobs Magoo- wait I meant _Excella Gionne_ was walking all GAWGEOUS and catlike in her search for WESKER BOOTY and her tits were OUT TO THERE as they bounced up and down and other descriptions of movement.

"My oh my, I like what I see," West African BSAA agent Sheva Alomar said with her curious British accent that people complained about even though Britain once colonized that area and it would be natural for their speaking habits to be adopted.

_"oooh, merci beaucoup!" _Excella said all French like even though I think ethnically she's supposed to be Italian and her accent is rather hard to determine.

Excella's gauzy white dress fell away to reveal a PERFECTLY PROPORTIONED APHRODITE BODY and she and Sheva made romantic lady love.


End file.
